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[Page 2] T he M r. & Mrs . HAPPY HANDBOOK E ve r y t h i n g I K now A b o u t L ove a nd Ma r r ia ge ! ❤ 1 S T E V E D O O C Y ( w it h cor re c t ion s b y M rs . D o o c y ) [Page 3] To Kathy, Peter, Mar y, and Sally, thanks for making me Mr. Happy ❤ [Page 4] ❤ Contents INTRODUCTION 1 c h a p t e r o n e : In the Beginning . . . 5 For His Eyes Only: Ladies, Please Skip This Passage 7 My Date with Destiny: October 27, 1985 7 c h a p t e r t w o : The Wedding and the Honeymoon 14 Our Wedding Day: Countdown to Cake 15 George of the Wedding Jungle: W’s Dos and Don’ts 18 What’s a Honeymoon? A History Lesson 21 Adam and Steve: My Accidental Honeymoon 22 Lovers and Lepers: My Honeymoon with Meg Ryan 26 Honeymoon Horror Story: The Man from Glad 30 Porn to Be Wild: Should You Camcorder Everything ? 32 A for Effort: Grading the Honeymoon 33 c h a p t e r t h r e e : Marriage 35 You’re Mr. & Mrs. Happy: Now What? 35 What We Really Want: The Lowdown on Love 37 I Can See Clearly Now: The End of the Honeymoon Effect 37 From “I Do” to “Uh-oh”: Retraining the New Hire 38 Wedding Ca$her$: I Married a Cheapskate 42 Love Me (Legal) Tender: Marrieds and Money 44 Tastes Like Chicken: The Fear Factor 48 [Page 5] i v ✦ Contents The Edit Sweet: Honesty 51 Married to the Mom: In-laws 54 I Dropped When I Shopped: Gift Fatigue 57 Saturday-Night Fights: How to Argue Without Gunplay 60 Oh No, It’s Geraldo! When There’s an Age Difference 63 Rules of Engagement: Married in the Military 67 Gimme Shelter: Your First Home 71 A Moving Experience: Relocating Your Family 74 T he Aliens Next Door: Your Neighbors 79 Mr. Handy: Home Remodeling 83 King of Pain: Should I Go to the Hospital? 87 When I’m Dead, She’s Rich: Wife Insurance 90 Pet of the Year: Animal House 93 Volun-teers of a Clown: Public Service 97 Good Sports: Playing Together 101 Our Marriage Is Perfect, Let’s Date! An Experiment 104 c h a p t e r f o u r : Kids 108 Growing Your Family Tree: What Are You In For? 108 Pee on the Stick: Pregnancy 110 Dial M for Mother: Delivery Day 114 Sorry, Tallulah’s Taken: Naming the Baby 119 Breast Intentions: Feeding in Public 123 Fear Factor: Baby Monitoring 126 Nannygate: Finding a Babysitter 130 Say What? Kids Say the Darnedest Things 135 Parent Trap: A Parent’s Pop Quiz 138 Making the Grade: Time for School 142 My Boy in the Bubble: Are You Too