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[Page 3] dedication I dedicate this book to those who have been humiliated and wanted to hide away forever. To those who have been broken and superglue wasn’t enough to help. To those who have felt frozen in fear and shame. To those who have kept smiling as their throats were closing up. To those who thought they had all the answers but realized they were sorely ignorant. I see you. I gotchu. And to my parents, who I never understood until I became an adult who followed her heart . . . I’m sorry and I love you. I get it now. [Page 4] contents COVER TITLE PAGE DEDICATION INTRODUCTION 1: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MISS PLEASANTON 2: SEX MISEDUCATION 3: BLACK GIRL BLUES 4: THE BALLAD OF NICKIE AND LITTLE SCREW 5: OPEN HOUSE 6: WHO HATES YOU MOST? 7: CODE 261 8: BLACK WOMAN BLUES 9: MISTLETOE GIRL #2 TELLS ALL 10: CRASH-AND-BURN MARRIAGE 11: PRESCRIPTION FOR A BREAKUP 12: ON MEAN WOMEN AND GOOD DOGS 13: WARNING: FAMOUS VAGINAS GET ITCHY, TOO 14: GROWN-ASS-WOMAN BLUES 15: GET OUT OF MY PUSSY 16: AND GABRIELLE UNION AS . . . THE STEPMOTHER 17: MITTENS 18: BIG BANK TAKE LITTLE BANK [Page 5] 19: THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS 20: A TALE OF TWO MARTINEZES ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR CREDITS COPYRIGHT ABOUT THE PUBLISHER [Page 6] INTRODUCTION This kind of feels like a first date. I have that same feeling you get five minutes before you meet the other person, when you’re giddy about where things might go. But also wary, because you’ve been on enough bad dates to know exactly how this can go awry. They order the salmon and pronounce the l and you’re like, How the hell has my life come to this? No pressure, but I have thought of you the whole time I’ve been writing this book. I have never shared these stories outside of a close circle of people, the friends you can tell all your secrets to because you know all of theirs. So I want this to be like one of those nights out with someone you can be real with. We’re sitting across from each other over drinks, and we’re in the middle of this ridiculous, hyperventilating laugh/cry because even I can’t believe I did some of these things, foolishness that made perfect sense at the time but sounds ludicrous now. “Oh no, it gets worse,” I say, taking a sip as everyone in the restaurant looks over at us losing it. These are the stories that require reinforcements. If I’m going to really get into them, we need to flag the waiter and tell him not to be a stranger and to keep pouring, because we’re gonna need more wine tonight. Thinking of you this past year, I jotted down notes, sent texts to myself, and went back to look at some of the books that meant something to me and left me better for reading them. One of